So it's been almost another full month since my last post. Why? I am in short stressed out beyond belief. And for me this is my worst possible thing, as stress triggers fallbacks into major depression for me, and if my depression gets bad enough, my urge to write goes away.

The first step is that I forget something important. I...forgot to write the last chapter of Secret Desires. Plum fucking forgot.

The second step is I get overly-reminiscent about an old story, re-read it, and go nuts editing it. So I re-read Kate the Kid, started editing it, watched a whole bunch of westerns and am embarking on season 2 of Deadwood. 

The third step is my entire schedule goes haywire. My best friend reminded me my birthday is one week (I don't give a shit except that's the deadline I originally wanted for The Violin Case). And then I realized I wasn't anywhere close to getting it published, and hell I haven't even started on the next Wolf Tales). 

So I had a great moment of panic that resulted in 3 solid hours alternating Candy Crush Saga and Bubble Town. 

The thing is: I've been here before. The first time it was 2 big things that hit me out of nowhere that spiraled me into depression. Now I am dying the death of a thousand cuts. So I'm hanging on. I am basically hanging by fingertips off the cliff. I know a lot of readers are going to be pissed off that I'm not writing anything new, but all I can say is...go fuck yourself. Sorry. I love my fans but if i get one more "fan mail letter" basically threatening me for not updating...I will find you and I will kill you.

Right now in my life:

  • I am couchsurfing and have long overstayed my welcome
  • I cannot find an apartment to live in in Chicago
  • I have $1.50 to my name...$30 coming Friday but if I don't pay $33 on Friday, my phone gets shut off
  • I have no ads running for my night job, ergo will not make any money from it
  • My future job which should be starting next month has been delayed because my business partner discovered he's part Cherokee so he dropped everything to research it. Nice, asshole, I found out at 30 I'm half Swedish and I still haven't bothered to do anything about it
  • Despite his insanity I am working close to 75 hours a week currently unpaid
  • Speaking of ancestry, at 30 I discovered the woman who r aised me was my step-mother and still have to figure out what to do about my birth mother. That's who I learned I was a lot less Irish and way more Swedish than I'd thought
  • I haven't had any kind of sex in over a year, and haven't had good sex in over 3 years
  • I would love to get laid but I have developed severe eczema and have ugly sores all over
  • I was on food stamps but the state screwed them up, then bizarrely denied my reapply, and I am still waiting on the re-reapply
  • I have only a jar of peanut butter for food to last me until I somehow magically can get more money
  • I am pretty sure 2/3rds of my friends really don't lie me...and the other 1/3 agree, but I have no clue why this is
This is a quick list off the things stressing me out. Is it any wonder writing is a challenge? I can't sleep, I can't afford cigarettes, and I'm losing my mind. the thing to know is that beating the depression is a huge priority. Right now, writing isn't a priority of any kind, it's just a nice side effect that the better I get with my depression, the more I write.

How will I beat it?I have no fucking clue. Seriously. I am pretty sure life is out to get me at this point. I went for a walk to try and bum a cigarette from a stranger and ended up being attacked by a dog. This is par for the course. Basically I just have to beg, borrow, or steal about $20 to pay my phone bill and put an ad to get a client at my night job. Get a client and then I have money for food and cigarettes. Track down my business partner on the new job and tie  him to a chair until everything is set, then start collecting proper paychecks and life gets better.

It's my thought, but you can see...nowhere in the plan is "write." So please just bear with me, if I can do all the above, i can start writing more regularly. Until then...happy waiting.