Welcome all, I hope you survived the holiday. Today's post isn't going to be on writing so much, it's more of an update/explanation/rant. Of course a rant. Also, this was originally written on Monday 4/9/12 but Yola had issues that prevented it from being posted until now.

 


I don't know how computers work exactly, but this seems like a reasonable explanation

 
 
First off, to my literotica fans, I do apologize there has been no update on Fey World as promised. Times have been lean on my end and I've had to cut back on food to spread it out. Truly a starving artist for about two weeks I've been eating only 500 calories a day. You get used to it, the hunger subsides, and you compensate by sleeping 16 hours a day, however your brain stops working. Have my blogs these past few weeks made sense? Dunno. Thanks to Easter I got some real food in me for one day and it helped, but if all goes well tomorrow I'll get some cash and can buy real groceries.


So until then, every time I try to write the second half of Chapter 22 of Fey World it comes out garbled. It starts with Hannah/Anni seeking out Elfgwyven and seducing him the way women have seduced men they love for centuries...with food. Then they argue and he rejoins the household. The big confrontation comes in the kitchen. Then comes another scene out in the woods with food. Food, food, food. I've spent 2 weeks eating almost nothing but rice and low-sodium canned chili and as such I can't stop writing about food. I'm having nearly sexual fantasies about bacon.




It seems i am not alone in this

 
 
Since the fetish of sploshing doesn't seem right for these characters (Angoralt maaaaaaaayyyyybeeee) I put it aside. Once I get paid via my night job and get some real food in me, I'll tackle it again.

Now for the rant: Why is mediocrity tolerated so long as vampires are involved? No, I'm not going to bring up the sparkly ones, that's an insult to mediocrity, but think of it in general. If you have vampires you can turn your noir PI into bad porn. Or you can write lame characters or dumb plots and no one cares. Hell, you can forget the basics because there are vampires.

This is not always the case. I wouldn't call the Sookie Stackhouse novels mediocre, more fairly/pretty-good, but the show True Blood...yeah, I watch it, but it's mediocre. Gorgeous eye-candy filled mediocre, but still mediocre. Now what spurred this rant on vampiric mediocrity is a series of small events, otherwise known as life.



Nice, but needs more bacon


  

Tuesday nights I play D&D with friends (yes, I am that kind of nerd) and before everyone got there two weeks ago I was chatting with a friend about phobias. We got off my new phobia of aquatic zombies onto vampires and how they're no longer scary. See, I deviate a little in my Something Wicked stories, but in general I prefer stories where vampires are evil and must be destroyed. I'm a 30 Days Of Night kind of girl or Vampire Hunter D.

So my friend lent me a book last week...Sunshine by Robin McKinley. Ok, first off, it's hardcover and she didn't give me the jacket, so I had no idea what it was about or anything on the author. I'm on page 211 and it took me a week to get that far. Normally I can read 400 pages in a single evening, no problem. However this...not so much.

It took about 50 pages to get the narrator's name. At page 200 we learn she's tall & skinny with big hair. Other than that...is she black? White? Well she mentions sunburns, so I guess she's white, but hair color? Specific ethnicity? Or for that matter, the coffee shop she works at; without any descriptions I can only imagine the one from Zack & Miri Make A Porno. Now our narrator, nicknamed Sunshine, has a boyfriend...he's vaguely described. She has a mother, step-father, and 2 half brothers. Mom & Charlie get dialogue, barely, but no descriptions. Sunshine meets the 1 good vampire...of course we get a description of him. Some stuff happens slowly, there's tons of dragging exposition about processes and history that should have been edited out, and in general, mediocre writing.



With geniuses like this clamoring for more, it's no wonder standards have slipped



  

From page 211 I found the single worst simile I've ever read outside of the lurid prose of hack Irish writers of the mid 19th century. Behold:

"Here moved out of the back of my mind into the front, like Large Zombie Rat getting up off your living room floor and following you into the kitchen where you realize it's bigger and uglier than you thought, and its teeth are longer, and while zombies are really, really stupid, they're also really, really vicious."

...at least there were no spelling errors. That meandering, rambling narrative is the whole thing. And by capitalizing Large Zombie Rat I bet you think you missed something. Nope. This is how it appeared and there was absolutely no previous mention of a large zombie rat. The whole thing is slow, meandering, and makes you think you missed something.

Yet on Amazon reviewers praise it simply for the fact that A) It contains vampires and B) Most of them are evil and of course C) There's one good one who is, ostensibly as far as I can tell (being on page 211) a potential love interest at some point. Apparently those 3 things will excuse mediocre writing.

Seriously, think of every modern vampire story written by a woman. It contains those elements: vampires are scary, except for this good one, and the heroine will polish his knob eventually. Seriously, for that people will give up good writing. Anne Rice gave us vampires with good writing and she sacrificed the sex.

 


Of all the things to sacrifice, the alpha male trope is the worst one to lose...even in gay vampire novels there's a better one than Stephanie Meyer could ever dream up
 
 

 Ugh, this is enough for me to rethink the Something Wicked series entirely. People, we need to have standards. We need to reject these lame tropes and create new, better ones.